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Author Agbeye-Jules Jojo

Every time I get kissed on the forehead, my eyes are wide open. Now I'm changing, I am changing.

One of the things that reminds me that I'm getting older is how fast I'm changing, how differently I'm feeling and how strangely I'm acting. One action, love, desire, feeling, quickly gets replaced with another. Sometimes, it's the thing I'd once sworn that I'd never do. About 17 years ago, I couldn't eat sardines, now I can. One time I believed wearing trousers would take me to hell, now I have just one skirt in my box. Long ago, I thought I'd never kiss on the first date, well I have. I'm older now, I'm changing. Sometimes it scares me.

Some other times, I find myself living in a loop of changes. Gradually leaving something for another and then coming back to that thing I left. For example, I couldn't eat boiled meat unless it was fried, then I could, now I can't. Once, I loved Beyonce, then I didn't, and now I really do.
One of the things I was once keen on is participation. I always wanted to be involved. I always wanted to bell the cat. I always wanted to be the example, the daring one and the one who would say, "Aye" whenever a volunteer was needed. I recall several instances where I've been bold enough to volunteer, when I've been excited about participation and when I let my heart run wild. These days, I'm not so sure. Even for the things I'm extremely good at, I now sit behind and wait. I watch people do it better, average or worse. All I do is watch! I guess I'm changing.

It's not news that people dread the, "Tell me about yourself" conversation starter. I hate it too! Formerly it was because every time I heard those words, I'd forget everything about myself. Down to what I had for breakfast even if it was 11 in the morning. Now I dread it for a different reason. It's because I almost don't know anything about myself. I'm different now, and I keep changing. I always have to think about where my head and heart currently is.

Do I still love traveling? Will I still die to watch Isak Danielson perform live? Can I still play the guitar? Am I still a good person? Would I still record one of my original songs? Do I still want my name on a "18 million copies sold worldwide" novel? And the one that troubles me these days, will I be who I'm meant to be. But then, who exactly am I meant to be?

I'm different now, I'm changing. But now luckily, every time I get kissed on my forehead, I close my eyes.


Readersketch | Ed. Orimoloye Ololade

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