DEAR DIARY

by

Bianca Ihua

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Wednesday  - 9th October, 2019 

       Today, I did the unbelievable. I did something wrong! How could I? How do I tell people? How do I make this clear to you? I shouldn't have done that. I thought I had become perfect. I thought I had been made whole. How could I have done this evil? What am I going to do now? What am I going to tell them? How will I even face them? I don't know. Honestly, I can't think of any lie to tell. Who will I tell? Will anyone believe me? Won't they all criticise me and throw hurtful words at me? Should I just swallow those words, pretending not to care? All of them? I need some advice, diary. What do I do now? Think! Think, girl! I need to come up with a lie to tell. Oh no! I'm afraid my head is blank right now. How could I have done this evil?

        What if I said nothing happened? What if I didn't say a thing to anyone? Will there be a cloud of witnesses? Should I just close my eyes and pretend as if nothing ever happened? Great idea! Let me try closing my eyes. No, I can't! I still see myself soaked in the mire of iniquity. No one would believe me if I said it was only innocent. I know they would all point fingers at me and exorcise me. I should have thought of all this before doing the unthinkable. Who can I run to now? God? Did you just say the capital G-O-D? No, no, I can't. I already feel filthy in His sight.

           But who then will I tell it was just a mistake? An innocent mistake. Everytime we go to church, they always teach us that it is ungodly to embrace the opposite sex; we can't even shake hands with them. I totally forgot. Honestly, I did. When I saw Kalu, I ran to give him a bear hug. Can you blame me? It was just a hug! An innocent one for that matter. I hugged him because it's been long I saw him. It's not like he resisted: he hugged me too. In fact, he even planted a kiss on my right cheek. And I won't deny I was happy to see him. I was so elated when he called my name. You needed to have seen how he grinned from ear to ear. To be frank with you, the last time we saw each other was when he left for Cotonou to study computer science. Jeez! That was like four or five years ago, I can't really remember. 

          Diary, everything was going so well, until that nosy Sister Rebecca saw us. She didn't even allow us finish exchanging pleasantries before she screamed, "Faith, well-done o!" Well-done for what? Were Kalu and I caught in the act? Euuuuuuhhh, no! That would never happen. Kalu and I go way back– more like siblings. I remember those times we used to play with sand and try to act the mummy-and-daddy drama. Well, that's because Nkiru wanted us to. She said she liked playing the role of daughter, so that she could sit on the bench like a boss and say, "Mummy, I want to eat jollof rice and chicken." And then Kalu would put his hand in his pocket and give me leaves as money and I would pretend to go to the market to buy stones, corks, sticks and whatever rubbish I could gather as ingredients to prepare the meal. Hmm, good old memories.

          Let's talk about what has happened, please. I really need to think of something. Something that would make the church not to call me a backslider. If I don't gather my points on why Kalu and I hugged, they will start quoting Bible verses for me, even the ones that I don't know. O-M-G! Do you know who is calling me now? Pastor Felix! No, I can't pick this call. What will I tell him? Come on, I only hugged a guy, it's not as if we kissed. Ah! Brother Chibuike is calling too. I need to look for something to say. I don't know. Maybe I should just put my phone on vibrate. Let me see if praying will work.

Dear Diary

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